dayo

the other night, a young man was traversing his way home, embarked on a public bus, frantically waiting for the roads to lose sight of tall skyscrapers and graffiti walls, away from carnation grills and early-bird profile banners for a future local elections. the young man anticipated something he could not direct his attention clearly at - he wavered from the left bus window to the driver, and back to the right bus window beside him, glanced outside and saw the multitude of cement faces gradually disappear behind him. he felt re-assured, and as he glanced towards the night, he saw an ever familiar face smile down at him before the clouds swept her away.

he remembered very well what he unconsciously blurted out to his colleagues, and it somehow troubled him - the very conception that - "i strongly feel that i am not of this world, and i have dreamed this for the longest time that by the time i reach mid-age, someone from far away will fetch me and take me away to my real home," as he did feel alien to the very place he grew up to know as home.


blasa subtly played as he felt his mobile phone vibrate from within his knapsack. a message from lanexang came and read phong gives his regards. he tried reading your message but could not make any sense from it. he asked if you remember what happened in loohangpabh. they must be drinking he thought, and what did happen in loohangpabh that had to be remembered and emphasized in a drinking session. does he mean noi? i do remember her quite well as she even manages to haunt me in my dreams. she did manage to haunt him, seeing her barge teasingly inside his room, frolic young and naked to his bed, and slide within his covers. he remembered her very well indeed.

she also dreamt of you, phong said laughingly. he asked if you want her number so you can contact her. and he had to be the main subject of their drinking session - it could not be about the dream of course as it was his unilateral unconscious gesture of his fantasy about her. but if she did dream about him, he relished the idea that it was a fated cosmic meeting to consummate their desires for each other. i have her number already. although i'd be more interested to know about vilay's number.

then he realized the bus had reached its final stop, more or less ten kilometers from where he had to disembark. late at night, without any recourse to go back, he scrambled away from the terminal in the middle of nowhere. finding a guesthouse hidden by patches of rice fields and grasslands, he knocked for a room. after paying fifty, he was given a key, a towel, and a bottle of water, and slowly walked towards the end room, where brightness was gradually being consumed by the dark, thinking, believing, that at the end of the line, someone was waiting to pick him up.

in time

it was that i found her kneeling before a pagoda, sunset flowers on her hand, with two lit candles and three burning incenses before the altar in front of her, praying desperately for - a sign maybe, or someone. alone in a midst of a throng of devotee mothers and visiting families, a budding flower she glistened lost in a pandemonium of prayers and offerings.

as if a breath of the ancient river drew her attention to where i was standing, observing, waiting, she glanced quietly from her shoulders, and i felt my eyes aflame with recognition and gently douse of an innocent longing at a face i did see more than once in my dreams, as we found ourselves drawn together astride.

the falling leaves drift by the window. the autumn leaves of red and gold... i see your lips, the summer kisses, the sunburned hands, i used to hold. gradually, she wrapped her arms around my waist and clasped her hands behind my back. her gentle face deftly pressed on my left shoulder, it was an embrace that somehow intimately meant... forever. i fretted to reciprocate but nonetheless found my right hand caressing her head to her hair... and my left arm - cupped gently towards her waist.

i felt her shun a tear from her face, subtly wipe her eyes on my shoulder. and i could not but allow myself to be engulfed by this moment - with her and whatever deep-set burden she was heaving, even if it took eternity to waft her loneliness away. since you went away, the days grow long, and soon i'll hear ol' winter's song. but i miss you most of all my darling, when autumn leaves start to fall. as it took for her presence to cure mine.

penyang

"jao siu nyang?"

"noi. jao?"

"kham. koi siu kham. mak jao noi. nyam lai. nyam lai."

--------

"ang sarap siguro na may kayakap kang babae... na mahal mo... na mahal ka. nagkakaintindihan... sa kainan, sa sinehan, tulugan. nagkakaunawaan... sa mesa, sa bakuran, kusina, sa banyo, sa kama."

"nagsusuyuan sa isang madiin at malalim na tanawan, hawakan, tawanan, ngitian. kayakap mo. magkasipin kayo."

"bitaw. yung matapos ang pagaanuhan ninyo, makakayanan mo siyang yakapin ng buong-buo, walang pag-aalinlangan na maitataya mo ang katawan mo sa kanya. hindi yung tatayo ka na lang, diretso sa banyo, maglinis, magbihis at aalis. walang anuman, kaya niyo magusap, magkuwentuhan."

"sao-jai. wala ko kwenta."

what's brewing

it was monday last week when i had my fill again of beer-lao in vientiane capitol, almost more than a month since my last visit and a multi-hour drinking spree in a celebration in one village in vientiane province. a new beer flavor in laos then was the sale of singapore's tiger beer, which sells 1,000kips more expensive than the more popular and better beer-lao.

a new twist is the latest addition to the beer-lao line with the recent introduction of lane-xang beer - almost like the red-horse beer under san miguel's line of beer in the philippines. since i am more inclined to drink red-horse over the pale, strong ice, light, or the super-dry, i've been inkling to have a taste again of lane-xang, but it has not however reached luang prabang yet. so... back to the classic beer-lao for now (of which i am admittedly already deprived of for days now, except with the short meeting over lunch with beer after a pra routine in ban phonsavang).

i have to remind myself to bring home two big bottles of beer lao before i leave for bangkok and manila this sunday.

how i can tell when i am falling for...

but i just can't...

i may start to notice the jeans she starts wearing or the clothes she dons from time to time outside the daily traditional wear required. it could just be, however, a manifestation of my tendency to notice all small things and details, the same way that i start to see how the jeans slide minutely down to reveal her bottom slits, but it may just be a sign of deprivation or better yet, depravity on my part.

the stolen glances, stolen snapshots. the way she manages to deliver a thought while i find myself still lost in (a lot of) translations.

how i manage to grab small words and adopt them in daily speak. how i parley to find meaning to long conversations. or i may just be naturally fascinated with words, language and the theories and dynamics behind them all.

how i can't tell when i am really falling for... i may be over thinking when i can just simply allow myself to fall.

sitting in limbo

i'm in between here and there, heaven or earth, failure and success, poverty or wealth, suffering and happiness. i am in limbo - even on a much-ado-about-everything topic as love and relationships - i seem to desperately care to settle down with her (wherever she is or will be) but in constant youthful passion to frolick about and seize the moments in life. and i find myself... as always...

sitting in limbo. in a heritage site in luang prabang. somehow waiting. somehow rushing. always dreaming. tulad nga ng nasabi na ni g at j, libre lang mangarap.

i was once told, much of whoever i am now is an amalgamation of rich experiences from several lives in the past. much of the doubts i am experiencing now is the result of a constant apprehension from difficult choices in my past lives that lead my present one to encounter them again.

the small temple up phousi hill somehow indicated good fortune no. 14 - in terms of success, wealth, education and opportunities. relationships, family and children were, unfortunately, termed by translation as "far away".

a test question i asked for revealed, however, a positive response, after having heaved a heavy buddha figure. i was relieved, at the same time, challenged of having to work the same struggle to carry in order to have my wish fulfilled.

now i sit in an internet shop more or less half a kilometer from the night market, figuring how the remaining days here will pan out - i did pray for the project's completion, fulfillment and success as i had already invested a lot of myself in it - time, resources, friendships, interests; and much to my surprise, redounded back to me plenty-fold.

prayerfully, after this, i find myself walking bravely away from status quo.

a piece of a post left unfinished before i left for laos on may 4...

latagaw

nung isang linggo, lunes, lumipad ako papuntang tagbilaran para sa isang forum sa earthday celebration. ang topic - biofuels at rice crisis. hebigat jud! pero okey lang, interesting din naman at napaka-relevant din naman pagusapan ang biofuel at rice crisis para sa earthday - tutal ang earth ay umiikot upang bumuhay sa tao, at ang tao naman... ano nga ulit. at pagtingin ko sa program nung sunday ng gabi bago mag-empake, leche at 1hour 30minutes pala ang presentation ko kada topic at may hiwalay na isang oras pa para sa open forum. tatlong oras pala, napakahaba. sige lang, adik naman ang tao, bahala na si batman.


martes, umaga, natapos ko din ang dalawang presentation ko. mahaba-haba sa biofuels, hango sa ilang datos ng biothai at presentation nung huling trondheim conference last year, mga bali-balita, at mga polisiya sa mundo at sa pilipinas kaugnay sa biofuels. para sa rice crisis, maikli lang. basta, maikli lang.


miyerkules, meeting usab, pero di na sa tagbilaran, lakaw mi sa antequera at kumain at naligo sa mag-aso falls, naligo, lumangoy, naligo, nanipit, nabasa, kumain, lumangoy, nagbadminton saglit, at meeting. syempre di pa natapos ang araw, may radio-guesting pala sa dyrd. halos isang oras din yun, nakaphone-patch pa si vice-gov. oks lang. byahe na din naman ako ng gabi - 1030pm slow boat papunta ng cebu.


huwebes, abot ako cebu pier mga 3am na yun pero 5am na ko nakalabas. sobra init sa tourist section, kahit aircon pa, malamig pa sana sa labas, ang amoy alat ka nga pero mas okey na yun kesa mangamoy nakulob na pawis naman.

mga bago mag 6am, sa mactan airport na ko, hintay sa mga 10am flight pa-davao. diretso na sana ako kidapawan pagkababa ng davao (o manood na muna ng sine sa sm) pero may interviewin pa pala ako kasama si m.r. sa davao na aplikante. sige lang, sabi daw ramp model ang isa, masubukan nga.

past 11am dumating din ako sa meeting place sa bluegre cafe. ako pa, sa davao, eh ignorante ako sa davao at sa laki ng lugar, takot ako gumala... pero exciting din pala ang davao. madaming tao, madaming magaganda, at mukhang masarap magfood-trip. tom jones na din ako at pinagtyagaan na ang mamahaling presyo ng pasta sa bluegre cafe, hassle na kasi buhatin ko pa ang malaki kong bagahe palabas para maghanap ng kakainan.

2pm nagsimula ang interview, 3 babae at isang lalake. mga 6pm natapos din, at sabi ni m.r., baka mahuli ako sa huling byahe pakidapawan kaya larga na ko.

mga 730pm naka-alis ang van mula sm davao papunta kidapawan. mga 1030pm dating ako kidapawan at sinundo ni d sa may plaza upang ihatid at samahan ako sa jayag pension house, puno pala kasi ang a-j hotel.
500pesos kada araw - aircon, liguan, kama, cable-tv - barato na, kumpara sa 1.2k ata sa a-j kung tulugan lang naman ang hanap.


biyernes, 930am na ako dumating sa president roxas mula kidapawan. ang multi-cab kasi ay di na pala nagpipick-up ng pasahero dun sa tapat ng sugni mall at hinuhuli na pala. di ko alam, tagal din ako naghintay, buti na lang may natyempuhan ng multi-cab na walang sign at sinakyan ko, papunta din pala ng president roxas.

(di tapos...)

fresh-water dolphins

nagsimula lang naman sa pag-click ng isang tourist destination advertisement sa isang website na aking binabasa para sa isang presentation na ginagawa ko. mula sa click na ito, nakita ko ang tatlong mamahaling resort places sa bohol, at nakita ko din na may link din pala ang site na ito sa ibang bansa sa southeast asia, kaya nagclick pa ako. at natanong ko sa aking sarili, magkano kaya ang hotel sa laos, dahil sa ilang ulit na din akong nabalik dun, di ko man lang alam kung magkano man lang ang presyo ng hotel rooms dun, palagi kasi sa guesthouse ako tumutuloy - na magaganda din at mura, pero may iba na sobrang mura pero matapos isang gabi, puro kagat na ng surot ang braso't katawan mo. (oo, nangyari na din sa akin ito. di lang kagat at kamot, pati puyat at paranoia sa mga insekto at surot sa paligid ko.)


pero kesa magtingin ng presyo ng mga kwarto, bumaling ang tingin ko sa mga lugar sa laos at laking gulat ko may khong island sa laos. ha? island kamo? oo, island sa laos. e buong akala ko land-locked ang laos at walang dagat sa tabi nito. siguro naman di pa malala ang climate change at inabot na din ng dagat ang laos. hanggang ngayon, land-locked pa din ito. pero island kamo? oo, island nga. tanga nga ako at di ko man lang naisip na posible nga naman magkaroon ng island sa gitna ng ilog - at ang khong island ay nasa gitna nga ng mekong river.

nag-aral pa man din ako ng batas tungkol sa konsepto ng isla, riparian lands, etcetera. kumuha ka nga naman ng geography nung grade school at high school pero island sa ilog hindi alam. malamang naman kasi at kung nakatira ka sa isang bansa na binubuo ng higit pitong libong isla na napapaligiran ng tubig-alat, malilimutan mo na maisip na posible din pala magkaroon ng isla sa gitna ng ilog. oo, humanap pa ko ng lusot.


at san nga ba papasok dito ang fresh-water dolphins? sabi kasi sa tourism website na iyon na kapag pumunta ka ng khong island sa laos (sa champasak province), susuwertahin ka din, tulad ng mga dolphin watching sa dumaguete at sa bohol, na may makasabay kang mga fresh-water dolphins dun. astig di ba. at sa totoo lang, nagulat ako, dahil ngayon ko lang talaga nalaman na may fresh-water dolphins pala. at pagkinonsider mo nga naman ang posibilidad nito sa ngayon kung kelan karamihan ng mga ilog sa mundo ay mataas ang posibilidad mamatay dahil sa pagunlad ng mga syudad at overpopulation, ang hirap na din pala ng buhay ng mga fresh-water dolphins.

kung kaya sa aking pagkagulat malaman ito ay gumawa ako ng kaunting pananaliksik sa internet (reliability ng sites ay hindi ko alam) at nadiskubre na:

1. sa mga 30plus species ng dolphins sa mundo, lilima lang ang species ng fresh-water dolphins at ang pangalan nila ay associated sa ilog na kanilang tinitirhan - ang amazon river dolphin, ang chinese river dolphin, ang ganges river dolphin, ang franciscana, at ang indus river dolphin. di ko alam kung subspecies ba ng mga dolphins na ito ang fresh-water dolphin na makikita sa ilog sa khong island sa laos o baka panibagong species pala.

2. sinasabi din (as latest as 2007) na wala na makitang fresh-water dolphin sa china at pinaniniwalaang extinct na, dulot ng polusyon sa mga ilog. pero ayon sa isang youtube video ay may natagpuan ngang buhay pa na fresh-water dolphin sa china.

hindi ko na din inalam ang iba pang fresh-water dolphin at wala din ako makitang pictures ng fresh-water dolphin malapit sa khong island.

3. ang ganges river dolphin naman na matatagpuan sa bangladesh, nepal, india at baka meron sa bhutan, ayon din sa aking nabasa ay buhay pa ngunit endangered since 2006.

4. ang mga litrato ng dolphins ay ang mga nakita ko lang na litrato ng fresh-water dolphin sa ganges river.


posible siguro na nung sinaunang panahon ay mayroon ding fresh-water dolphins na lumalangoy sa mga ilog ng pilipinas. (pero baka malabo din dahil sa lilimang klase ng fresh-water dolphins ay sa mga malalaking ilog sa mundo ito natatagpuan). pero sa posibilidad din naman, imposible na din siguro na may mabuhay pa na fresh-water dolphins sa pilipinas ngayon, lalo na't mabibilang na lang ang buhay pang mga ilog dito, nakakalungkot man isipin.

buying time

"an idle mind is a devil's workshop," so i was told by an inanimate, or i heard.

"but the mind is always in a state of processing - creating, replicating one thought after another, a constant flux of irregularly upbeat-downbeat chores and dishes, unwashed plates, spoons and forks, at times barred but always resounding to the pull of an atmospheric gravity," he continues.

because i am buying time before i start another serious sit-down with the wild, i am giving mr. palawan and his elongated nose a moment to restore his reputation as a wooden doll on my table... "what was that again?"

"having sex without love. memories of my melancholy whores. sex is the consolation you have when you can't love. three shoes may fit my hat, but no gloves can choose to do what my one-eyed eel can."

"gloves? you mean your ha--"

"hands or no hands, because i don't, in fact i have beads, satisfaction by the nose-bleed, they peak thorns in the wayside...

a bit of rubbing of my pen,
a few times
or even more,
repetitively
we dip it
again and again
within a crevice - flows
my pen -
becomes a fountain - explodes!

and creates
life in onion-skin paper.

"care to elaborate?"

"number one, what is the moral lesson of 3:10 to yuma? number two, was vengeance justified in the brave one? number three, purchasing a nikon 50mm f/1.8d lens and remote control through ebay achieves what? number four, will you actually wear your first ever up maroons shirt, even after spending around eight years in the university, you just bought?"

"space creates time, and time creates space. we will be fazed by the vastness of this screw-driver."

"she hasn't really left my consciousness yet, i apologize. her face still disturbs me - still drowns me in my reality of singleness. despite my resolve to find deeper levels of intimacy here, she haunts me still..."

"drown.



"