when patience takes its toll

i am not sure where i am now. where i am headed. where i should be headed.

when everyone else around you assume unabated and self-acclaimed expertise and control over your work is the time that patience should learn to succumb to a calculated rebellion. for i am a non-expert to what i do, but an expert on matters that i could not do. and everyone else an expert on everything through the art of google search. where should that lead me?

then there's joyce maynard whispering to me... overweening personal ambition is no virtue; but while i had it, i could have danced on a bed of nails. and again, i am all crooked through.



have you

i was walking into what are now familiar places, installations that have become personal acquaintances, signs that have accustomed themselves to greeting me their usual good morning and welcome and farewells. in all these, i found my loneliness. a phone message here and there, then and now, somehow filled a little of that vast emptiness inside me. the flooding emails somehow drowned the lulling feeling of all-in-whose-day's-work. women snuggling dear women, and men dating men. heterosexual couples engaged in a telepathic hypnosis. and i was walking with my shadow, talking to myself, and engaged in an automaton affair with my blackberry.

of course all i could think of was the next screening of final destination five, or whether i should take the ticket to see fright night. and of course she would linger beneath the shadows of my thoughts. in a sliver of happiness, i would find her wanting to share with it. with uneasy sadness, her face creeps in to remind me... where do i really want to go from here. it has been a run and chase seeming affair to run after and chase her back. i found myself seemingly falling back in the chase. when can i find that moment to slow time with you.

i almost had myself burst into a million shattered frozen balloon rubber shards. it has always been about i. how do i now make my life have a you.