as i leafed through her

"there's nothing really much about it. it could be just because of the frustration. frustration borne out of desperation can spell an awfully lot of chaos in a person's predisposition in life and... you know... your heart."

infatuation maybe. but i have held out all possible cards to explain this - from the very moment i laid out my eyes on her, a twitch from her soft cheeks turned her supple lips into a delicate smile, and her eyes laid out on mine, glimmered of a familiarity that only unexplained mysteries have the plausibility to enchant in longing significance. it could only be - but it's too early to say. the only thing i have now is the fact that i can't get her off of my mind.

"you do find her pretty. maybe you should get her as your wife. you can practice here. you have good profession."

and he talks of marriage as if it's as easy as picking guavas in a nearby guava tree. however, much of what he said holds true, to the extent of studying marriage customs and laws. this sickness may be going too far ahead of what i should actually do initially - which is to get to know her more first. not even a name, a number or an address. and this creates more of the frustration - that in order to truly - you know what - her, i should, at the very least, know her name and how to get in touch with her.

"thanks for a great night. i really enjoyed the company."

"did you find a beautiful l girl after? i couldn't come anymore because of something urgent for the next day. next time i'll join you."

chuckling to myself, i replied, "yes we did find beautiful girls. they were remarkable. not as tall and gracious as the beer lady but still good-looking enough."

"but you did pursue them afterwards, i mean, make love?"

i have wrestled with this in my mind for quite some time. the frustration of wanting but not having, the frustration of hanging with my pride but losing the prize, the utter disappointment of losing an apparent sense of climax. all the while, i am thinking of the prolonged connection with the meeting of the eyes, and the sincere smiles with that woman, different from the one i was with then. "no. she did not want. shy maybe or she doesn't understand my intentions," my intentions being practically obvious at that time and in that place. and further deeper, i could not bring my principles to stoop further lower to force the woman that would not want. it extinguishes what little semblance of intimacy to make. and my pride would not want me to look for another other than her.

"language would never pose a problem. you can use body language. you need to have better negotiation skills, more than technical knowledge, more than an academic pursuit of social and cultural assessments of actions. in short, you have to be more personal with her."

how more personal can one get with arms deeply wrapped around her shoulder, hand straddling along her arm and slowly tempting itself to enamour her cushioned bosoms - disengaged with a sudden wave from her hands. how more intimate can one get, after a slight rejection around her arms, when the hand gradually and sensuously grapples towards her cushioned bottoms, awaiting an opportunity to be permitted to explore the deep crevices of her pleasure cove - interrupted by her sudden twists to disrupt my searching hand. language was never a problem. connection was what was lacking then. completely a turn-around from when i met this other woman's eyes and smiled at her reciprocated smile. "maybe you are right. she doesn't want me to touch her. now i decide to learn more about the language to make love... but the beer lady is more beautiful and very tall. i could not keep my eyes from staring at her."

"another girl sat next to our table when we were drinking beer. she can speak very well. maybe you can say to her in german - 'ich liebe dich sehr. liebst du mich? danke!'"

"ah yes. i got her number but can't figure out from the number how to call her. her name is c-p. she said she works in a nearby hospital as a nurse."

"oh be careful with the nurse. if she's not happy with you, she will cut yours. you should try more next time. and inform me or invite me during the negotiation."

"that's crazy - to cut mine. i can make her happy. it was frustrating that the other girl was playing hard-to-get. maybe she was too shy. maybe she doesn't like me because i refused to eat the pork she offered me." although i would never have thought for a woman to dislike a man who doesn't eat pork. maybe there are. in my case however, it seemed like... impossible.

"you don't have to worry about the food or the eating style. what happened to me once, i don't eat dog meat. eye contact is very important. usual for the first time. second time is better. don't give up."

"good advice." so i am thinking. she was right beside me, eye contact was rather difficult - not precisely because of our positions but more on the fact that i unintentionally refused to make eye contact with her - afraid perhaps that she will know i am of no good to her.

it was however different from that other one - the meeting of the eyes - a sort of an unexplained but an unspoken contract of affection - the reciprocated mutual smiles - and the anonymity that shrouded them all. this may actually be enough for me to conclude, that i may... after a long time of complacency...
in fact, be in - __

and i really can't take my mind off of her.

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