"it's not that i have gained mass. and size. or that i started smoking again. almost 3 times a day, and a bit more. or that for the longest time i have allowed myself the distance from anything capable of intimacy. i have been feeling rebellious. the way they make me feel that i should be beholden.
"they say they want your independence. your sustainability. they find ways to trap you to dependence. they impose the need to transfer all tasks, and they dump everything without the minimum base to manage all beautifully. but because you are so good, you manage to overcome them and they find ways to trap you and make you once more beholden."
of course they hold the funds to pay you. that way, they exert a brooding shadow. of course they hold the funds to fund whatever needs to be funded. that way, they exert a steering control. and with all that. with all that. of course one becomes the brooding shadow.
that is the story of the persistent ant versus the zombie fungus.