i was at a loss of words when r told me in detail how his plans and dreams were slowly being torn apart by his frustrations in work and life - the unnecessary worries and the feeling that he is losing grasp and control over his creativity and decisions, and how the long years he mustered to rise from his weaknesses and gain identity of himself were being marred by uncertainties of ideals and processes. it was clear from me that c was either at a loss of what he wants to do or worse, he was already losing himself in the frustration. in frustration, where creativity could be spurned, the uncertainties he was facing were apparently hindering him from rising again. the obsession and compulsion of knowing how and being good at what he is disjointed from his present reality where the excellence he always aims for were always second-guessed away were, i believe, already taking a toll on him. he said he feels a need to re-assess where he fits in all this - a need to retrace his steps, take two steps back and see where his life is headed, his career is growing, and take the path where he said he has more control and can be more fully accountable for himself and his decisions - the sense of empowerment and control which he said, he clearly misses.

then i remembered faulkner stating once,
"people need trouble -- a little frustration to sharpen the spirit on, toughen it. artists do; i don't mean you need to live in a rat hole or gutter, but you have to learn fortitude, endurance. only vegetables are happy."

"one thing that is really frustrating you know is second-guessing people's intentions on what they want done, in a manner of speaking, on certain tasks in life..."


"...what i mean is it's like you're in an environment where your ideas, your thoughts exist in a parallel dimension that seem never to meet the world that most of the people you're with are in. what happens is that people are second-guessing most of the time."

"well, you can always talk about it directly, i mean, can't you?"

"it's possible but i don't remember it from ever happening, or if it did, as it is always the usual case with thoughts and words, it becomes temporal. it changes at the whim of a hype or a new thought. i guess that's where things become frustrating."

"legal work is also frustrating in a sense. i have been a bit diverted from it but one thing i think i am certain of with the law we have, not going to certain oral traditions that commonly exist too, is that there is a written code or set of words to indicate what the law states. the confusion may rise in the interpretation, but there is always some other sources to refer to in exploring what the intention of the law is."

"following your thought then, it may be just that things become frustrating when there seems to be no semblance of constancy or stability. i don't know really. you're made to believe about something and focus your time and energy on that belief or undertaking when suddenly you realize the futility of what you were doing."

"maybe you really do need a break... like what you said, assess your life, where you're going."

it occurred to me... "
the torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and 'mangled mind' leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict." a quote from elizabeth drew. the struggle we all are in for a better society, a struggle to empower each one from their adversities, and our personal struggles to rise from our own shortcomings... the dilemma that we become pretentious in our noble societal struggles knowing fully well how much we are confounded in our own sense of empowerment.

"a life of frustration is inevitable for any coach whose main enjoyment is winning," said chuck noll. and these frustrations are said to give birth to strength and creativity in humans. i believe in it as ideally it should... unless of course certain environmental concerns have deeply pulled him down in a state of helplessness.

"maybe we're right. i do need a break. thanks a for listening."

"no problem," thinking that i too needed a searching of my own.